November 12th, 2020, we were stuck in the middle of a 2 week quarantine when I took a pregnancy test and was surprised to see it come back POSITIVE. We were SHOCKED… it didn’t seem real.
I know the Lord gave us that positive during quarantine so I wouldn’t be tempted to tell the people I was constantly surrounded by. We kept it to ourselves for 9 days until we had an early ultrasound at 5 weeks to confirm we were pregnant. The ultrasound confirmed it, but we needed to come back about 2 weeks later to get a better idea of size and due date.
I was most excited to tell my parents, who have been waiting for their first grandchild ever since my brother got married in 2003. Their hopes were crushed when he and his wife died in a car accident 11 months later, so when I got married in 2017 their hopes were high again, but they remained supportive of our decision to wait to start a family. I was so excited to see the look on their face. We had it all planned out… it was their anniversary, and we were taking over dessert. I wrapped up a cute onesie in a box and just told them it was a simple anniversary gift. They had no idea…. We also told my grandpa that he would finally be a Great Grandpa- something he had been looking forward to!
They were all so excited…. and I know my mom was up shopping on Amazon most of the night because she was so excited to be a grandma. We spent the next 3 days chatting back and forth about the excitement of our baby coming in July!
But then, on Wednesday, November 25th…. everything changed.
I had woken up and noticed that Brian was laying on the couch. He wasn’t feeling well and had decided not to go into work that day, a very rare thing for him. I thought something felt off, so I went to the bathroom and discovered I was bleeding. I tried not to freak out, because I knew a little spotting is normal early in pregnancy. But when I came down and told Brian, I started crying.
Throughout the day, the bleeding got a little heavier, clots were passed, and a little cramping happened. I reached out to a friend who knows a lot about health and pregnancy, and got as much advice from her as I could.
I was so glad my husband and mom were both home that day to comfort me and be with me. We were planning to tell Brian’s family the next day on Thanksgiving. We had been tracking our BBT, and knew if it started to fall, that would be proof we miscarried.
The next morning, my temp went up. So we decided, hesitantly, to go ahead and tell his family that we were expecting our first baby. Their reactions were SO SWEET!
The next day I was putting the Christmas decorations up, but had a hard time getting in the Christmas spirit because my temp had dropped that morning. I called an OBGYN and Urgent Care to see if I could get any answers, but after a few pieces of advice and talking with Brian, we decided to wait. We knew even if we were miscarrying, that nothing could be done to stop it. So we decided to wait for the ultrasound we had scheduled for the following Thursday.
The next morning my temp jumped high again, and we decided to tell my best friend that we made a best friend for her baby who was due in a couple weeks. She and her husband are more like family to us, and also prayer warriors and familiar with health and pregnancy, so we felt the need to tell them. They were so excited for us and immediately covered us in prayer and support.
On Sunday, my temp dropped again, and the bleeding/spotting was still happening. We decided to tell our pastor what was going on so he could pray with us. His words were very encouraging, and we felt at peace after talking with him.
The next day, I contacted our ultrasound place and got our appointment moved to the next day. We were so anxious to get answers, so I texted our friends and family who knew about the baby and asked them to pray fervently at the time of our appointment.
Tuesday morning, we headed to our appointment. I was nervous, but had prepared my heart for the worst, knowing it was very possible we had lost the baby. Brian was staying super positive, and was expecting things to be fine. We went in, and within 2 minutes of the ultrasound, it was clear that there was no more baby. The ultrasound tech left the room and told us to take our time. We cried… sobbed…. but didn’t hardly say a word. After about 10 minutes, we left. The whole ride home was full of tears and silence. I went straight to my mom’s to tell her the sad news in person, and my husband called his mom while I was with my mom. When I got back to the car, we both cried again. We went home, sat on the couch, and cried and sobbed in silence for hours. About 3 hours later, we were sitting together when I started playing the song “Prove Me Wrong” by Mandisa. I told Brian, “This is exactly how I’m feeling right now.” The song had been going through my mind for hours, and I played it loud on our speaker in the kitchen. We sat on the couch, and I wailed in pain and grief like never before. We just couldn’t understand why this would happen….
Listen to this powerful and beautiful song
”You could have healed…. you could've sent the angels down, and turned it around... wouldn’t that have meant so much more? …”“And I'm wondering where You are...You seem so far…. while we’re all here just asking ‘why’"“I read Your ways are higher, but I just don’t understand. Trying to hold on to my faith, but it’s slipping through my hands.” “This pain won’t make me strong… prove me wrong.”“Wish that I could just believe without questioning... ““And they say Your ways are better, but I still don’t understand. And You can’t hold me together. This can’t be Your perfect plan… prove me wrong.”“All this pain, this sorrow in my heart… I can’t find my way out of the dark… prove me wrong.”“You know my doubts and fears. I kneed to know You’re here. Still the storm that rages on. These waves will take me under, my heart will not get over, this pain won’t make me strong…. prove me wrong.”Man… that song still brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. It will forever remind me of mourning with my husband on that couch on that sad day that I never thought would happen to me.
I share my story and experience with you because I want other women to know that they’re not alone when they walk through miscarriage/early pregnancy loss. People will try to comfort you by saying, “It’s common.” And it’s true, it is. But that doesn’t mean you can’t grieve over the baby you will never hold in your arms or meet on this side of heaven. It’s heartbreaking…. but I want you to know I’m here. And I’m sharing things that I went through, things I was thankful for, and things that gave me peace and comfort in hopes of helping other women going through similar situations.
Symptoms
** info may be unsuitable for some audiences **I want to share what I experienced with you, because I know I wanted to know what a typical miscarriage was like. But, you need to know that everyone is different. Every pregnancy is different. And honestly, my miscarriage was so easy compared to others. But, here’s what happened to me.
I was about 6 weeks along when the bleeding started, and I assume I lost the baby the day the bleeding first started. It ranged from spotting to medium-flow period type bleeding. I passed 3 large clots and tissue, and I’m sure that was the baby/fetal tissue. I had a little cramping that same day, but I was hoping it didn’t mean miscarriage since it wasn’t painful. I also started breaking out on my chin area (which is hormonal) that same day. The bleeding lasted for about a week, and I passed everything naturally in that time.
I truly had an “easy” miscarriage when it came to the physical side of it, which proves that every pregnancy is different. I know other women who have lost their baby around the same time and had much more severe symptoms.
In everything, give thanks…
I struggled to write in my Gratitude journal once we got confirmation that the baby was gone, but I’ve always been one to look on the bright side and see the positives. So, here are some things I was thankful for even through this miscarriage…
Brian was home that day. I don’t know what I would have done if Brian wasn’t home through all of this. Even though he wasn’t feeling well that day and I still had piano lessons, he was still THERE when I needed a hug or needed comforted, and I am so thankful for that.
My mom was also home that day, and she came over at least twice when I needed comforting, a hug, advice, or extra oils. Having her with me also meant so much.
I am also so thankful that this was an EASY miscarriage. Not mentally, of course… not knowing if we miscarried for a week was tough. But physically, the cramping was minimal and the bleeding was not as much as a lot of women experience. I didn’t have to have any medication or procedures which I am so thankful for. Honestly, if I ever miscarry again, I pray it is as easy as this one, physically.
I am also thankful for the prayer warriors we had surrounding us and our baby in prayers. That meant so much, and we could feel the prayers, love, and support.
After the miscarriage was confirmed, the continued prayers and support from our friends and family was overwhelmingly comforting. Getting texts that said, “Praying for you” or “How are you doing?”…. those are the ones that meant the most.
I truly believe this trial has brought Brian and I closer. It also solidified in our hearts that we really do want children someday. We never knew how much we would love a baby until we lost this one…
I also believe that God has used this trial to teach us how precious and valuable life is. I believe the next time the Lord blesses us with a child, I will find more value and less fear in that precious life that God gave us.
How precious to think of my brother in heaven with our sweet baby… along with our other friends and family who are in heaven as well. “What a Day that will be!”
Quotes, Scripture, Songs, and more that comforted me
I’m gonna be honest… I don’t really identify with the “rainbow/angel” baby quotes…. but here are a few quotes that really pulled at my heart strings and brought me comfort.
“You were carried for only a moment, but you’ll be loved for a lifetime.”
“I’ll hold you in my heart until I hold you in heaven”
“… and to think that the first thing our baby saw when its little eyes opened was the face of Jesus…”
“It’s not a miscarriage, but a birth into heaven.”
Scriptures always are my first resort when looking for comfort, and these are the verses that either the Lord put in my path or friends sent my way that brought me much comfort.
2 Corinthians 5:8 KJV- “We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.”
Jeremiah 1:5 KJV- “Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee….”
Philippians 1:20 KJV- “…Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death.” (this particular verse is giving me peace for the next time we get pregnant. Even though I’m nervous, because I know the pain of losing a child, I know that Christ can be magnified either way)
I have also always been one to find comfort in music, and these are some of the songs that really helped me through my grief and fear.
“Prove Me Wrong” by Mandisa
“He Already Sees” by The Collingsworth Family
“I Can Trust Jesus” by The Collingsworth Family
“Though You Slay Me” by Shane & Shane
“Your Ways are Higher Than Mine” by The Collingsworth Family
A friend of mine who also has walked through miscarriage sent me this podcast, which had some really comforting thoughts.
Ways to help a couple going through miscarriage
First of all, I want to remind everyone that we need to normalize not asking couples when they’re going to have kids. Check out this article for more on that topic….
You see, before this miscarriage, the question just always annoyed me. Like, stop asking! But then we were even asked things like that when Brian and I were the only ones who knew we were pregnant… then, the worst happened. The day after we had our ultrasound showing no baby, someone approached us and very sarcastically and harshly said, “Why don’t you have babies yet?! Do you not know how to do it!?” Wow… I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or scream. Thankfully, we had family sitting with us who knew our circumstance and they covered for us quickly with, “Oh, they have plenty of time. It’ll happen in the right time!” Man, that hurt…. because it’s true… I felt like I didn’t know how to keep a baby/pregnancy….
Please, stop asking couples these types of questions. You never know what they’re going through… whether it’s miscarriage, infertility, IVF, etc.…. So just don’t ask.
As I’ve said before, the support from our friends and family really helped us through this hard time. Here are some things that they did that was super sweet and encouraging….
Texted us to check in and tell us they were praying for us
Sent us flowers (which I dried and saved, along with our pregnancy test and ultrasound pictures)
Sent us food so we didn’t have to cook or go to the store
Shared encouraging Scripture
Shared their own personal experience with miscarriage to remind us we aren’t alone
Sent sweet cards with encouraging words, stories, and quotes
I personally appreciated the people who came by just to hug me or be with me
Gifts (one of my love languages, and I love tangible things to remember)
a necklace with the July birthstone (the month of our due date)
a bracelet with this quote: “I will hold you in my heart… until I hold you in heaven.”
Gifts I gave to my family to help them remember our baby
I gave my husband a set of dogtags for Christmas that had this quote on the front: “… and to think that the first thing our baby saw when its little eyes opened was the face of Jesus…” and on the back: “Remembering our baby, Due July 2021, In Heaven November 2020. What a Day That Will Be”. I thought it would be perfect for him to either keep by his bed, wear under his shirt, or hang from his rear view mirror.
I got myself an ornament with the quote “… and to think that the first thing our baby saw when its little eyes opened was the face of Jesus…” and I love it. It’s from this shop, who is wonderful about sending Scripture to share the Gospel with every order!
Since our baby was about the size of a ladybug when it passed away, I got my husband and myself a set of ladybug tattoos from InkBox to wear around Christmas or baby’s due date. I also got each grandmother a beautiful ladybug ornament to hang on the tree and remember their grandbaby in heaven.
Oils & Supplements I used
When the miscarriage first started, I started taking extra Progessence Plus serum. Bleeding in pregnancy often stems from low progesterone levels, and many women find using Progessence can help in these situations.
I also started taking Pituitrophin and Thytrophin from Standard Process to help support my Pituitary gland and Thyroid levels, both important in pregnancy and pre-conception.
I also take Super B daily. It has lots of amazing benefits for normal/daily life, as well as Folate and many necessary things for a growing baby.
The oil blends that really helped me with the grieving process were Acceptance, Peace & Calming, Joy, Release, and Hope. I had them often in the diffuser, applied them topically, and put a few drops on my diffuser jewelry for the day. Anytime I felt overwhelmed, the oils came out!